Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You.
Psalm 63:3

Sunday, April 17, 2011

hello, darkness, my old friend

Random {& some depressing} thoughts:

  • Melancholy has descended lonely without Sweet Man. I didn't have time to get my head around the reality of him leaving before it became so. 
  • At church last night, I again felt so alone...almost invisible. It's not a completely new feeling, but it is in that building. I'm sure I gave off a don't-mess-with-me vibe. Music and message were great. Of course, I didn't go up for prayer and snuck out during the last song. Didn't give anyone a chance to see me. I'm thinking it is a spiritual divide-and-conquer and I'm the one being isolated at this moment.
  • I usually am under the impression that I am open book emotionally. Finding that not to be exactly true...I mistake my awkward sharing too much, too soon as being open with my feelings. Somehow I need to make people work to really get to know me, to make sure they really want to...none of this wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve stuff. 
  • Don't we all know some  Eeyores? I don't want to be one. Actually, I've tried on that role and in turn driven people away from me with my misery. {Of course, readers of this blog, have a head start on Joe Blow on the street.You can keep a wide berth.} In my head I hear things like, don't be a burden, you're problems aren't as big as theirs, she's just being polite in asking.
  • But pursuit wears my stubborn heart down. The fleshy part of me wants people to chase me and not let me go until I share my struggles with wrong of me. And then there's the habit of saying, "oh, I'm okay." On about the third "no, really, how are you doing?" I'll start to share the truth. Or just burst into tears. 
  • Never have learned to graciously, gently ask for help or to count on someone being willing. I've had to ask more in the past couple of years...but then have the nerve to be choosy about what kind of help I'll accept. Nice.
  • In every facet of my life, God's asking me to examine my expectations of people. Again.
  • We had a day with no plans. I woke up this morning and wondered how to fill the next 10 hours. All was kids are terrific, you know.
  • Several of my relationships are undergoing a change of some sort. One has reached a clear point of "it's no longer okay to treat me this way." I've finally had the courage to say as much to the other person involved. And that's a step in the right direction. 
  • I don't think my pink Chucks are gonna get me through all of this, but your prayers would help.
  • My stepmother is becoming a cherished friend. {I'm not sure that's traditionally allowed...I'll have to do some rules research. :)} But I'm so surprised and delighted with that new relationship.
  • It occurred to me today that Sweet Man won't be home for his birthday or Easter. Duh. Now it's a scramble to get a care package together for him. He may be moved to North Carolina soon...I just may have to hand deliver it.

{Please no emails or comments. Thanks for getting this far with me. I'm emoting...not trying to elicit a response from you, dear readers. It helps just putting it out there in the universe. And we all know by now that I'll be better soon, especially with the prospect of Zumba Monday, a walking date Wednesday, and a coffee date Thursday when I get to see friends {and readers ;)} And then, of course, Easter celebrations this weekend.}

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