i just don't know

On to another guy I enjoy listening to...Rob Bell of Mars Hill.


You may have been catching him on TV in the midst of his press junket. With the release of his new book, Love Wins, he is stopping by talk shows...GMA, MSNBC....


I've seen him speak live and have listened to many a podcast sermon. Loved the nooma series...here's one, but there are several. 


I haven't read the book {released 3/15}...in fact, I haven't read any of his books. Most of them have kicked up a little dust in the evangelical world. This book seems to have caused whirling dervishes and blinding sandstorms. I'm gathering from the buzz that it smacks of liberation theology.


So, it's on my list. I can tell you one thing...I'm definitely interested.


I gratefully accept the caution of God to examine people who influence me; whether they be earnestly singing into a microphone, streaming sermons through my earbuds, standing before me in a pulpit, writing the words on the computer/paper at hand. However their thoughts are communicated to me, I must hold those thoughts to the standard of Christ before I assimilate them.

Beloved, {that's my name and yours!!!!} do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1

{and just a bit further...one of my faves}


Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8



Here's Pastor Bell with Martin Bashir, outright grilling.

it's all coming together

So, there's this guy...maybe you've heard of him. He's in a fairly well-known rock band, started in the late 70's...an Irish lad.

Née Paul Hewson, you may know him as Bono.

He's becoming part of my life.

You may or may not know...I am fond of all things Irish. Christy Moore, claddagh rings, colcannon, shamrock shakes, Peter Rollins and that charming accent. {And how funny that as I type, with volume low, Rudy Maxa is on PBS visiting Ireland. Synchronicity, indeed. Or, in prep for St. Patrick's Day, I suppose.}

Long have I had an appreciation for Bono's Irishicity and his music. But because I tend more to the jam-band, bluegrass, and folk genres, I haven't spent much time listening to the more intense sounds of U2.

I should add, the soundtrack of my freshman volleyball season was The Joshua Tree, rockin' my K-Swiss and trying to catch a glimpse of my junior boy crush walking by the gym doors. Good times.

So, the little I've known about Bono is that he's a man of faith...but of which faith I was not clear. Intrigued, I read this article when it arrived in my mailbox, years ago. It remained in my interesting read pile for months, but I never really deciphered a clear answer.

Fast forward to last week, when the wise wife of a former pastor of mine posted this link on Facebook. I liked. I shared. Again, I was intrigued by the excerpt of the conversational biography...and immediately clicked on my library's website and requested a copy of the 2005 book, Bono: in conversation with Michka Assayas. I'm on page 89.

Intertwined with the anecdotes of Catholic schools, family heartaches, and raucous touring, is a thread of faith. An authentic one. With a fearless journey through doubt and the systemic failures of religion. In spite of all the shiny things that could render him ineffective, a sincere devotion to God and his people thrives...without arrogance or expectation. And I'm only on page 89.

His faith resonates with me. It's the kind I want to grow into. Embracing the seeming contradictions and settling into a solid, purposeful, joyful faith. Finding clarity in the simple life of Jesus. A faith in which Christ's love is the standard against which all else is measured. 

{Don't be alarmed...I'm not taking religious instruction from Bono; his is an example of how a life of 

faith, doubt and devotion through both, can be lived.}

Paradigms are shifting for me. For a year now, my comfort {and my husband's} in my church home has been and is being challenged. Not a bad thing at all, actually. And no, that doesn't necessarily mean leaving, but maybe. It's easy to table that discussion when we aren't home together often and I'm not visiting any other churches without him.

The stretching at first caused me to panic...but as the pain recedes I am left with a disillusionment with humans and their religion but still a vibrant love and trust for the Most-High God. I shouldn't be following man anyway...keeping my eyes on the heavens. He is burning the dross away and I am grateful for the fresh perspective. 

{I'm still working on that "favorite church" post where I try to explain the disillusionment. Perhaps the greatest deficit in my intellect is the ability to compose a thorough but concise, clear but original, timely answer to any question. Many of you have suffered through some of my blundering, blubbering, bet-ya-wished-you hadn't asked answers. So, right now, that post is ridiculously long and convoluted and I won't be subjecting you to it just yet.}

Turns out, Sweet Man has been listening Bono for months...old stuff, new stuff {Thank you, Pandora!} He shared one of his favorites with me. Now it's one of mine. Proceed with caution...it's pretty sexy stuff.

the unloading of February

* Haven't had much to say, friends...less words...good for me, good for you.

No knitting or crafting lately. A little reading, school, some friendly visits, a sleepover, tennis lessons, two fun outings {here and here,} a loooonnng  hike with Uncle Nack & the hound dog...occupied our time last week. 

No particular crises or victories to speak of...just plugging away, missing Sweet Man terribly, seeking signs of spring desperately, trying to grab a foothold on time slipping away.

Other random thoughts in my head these days:

* My camera is in the shop for its annual cleaning...so no recent pics. I'm missing it. 

No, really...I'm missing it.

*  While I am enjoying the great thaw immensely, it reveals bagsful of trash that have blown into our yard. Better get to work.

* I am allowing myself one minor freak-out per day and the kids have ample warning. Taking place at that time when I look around and see the shrapnel of our activities, I set the timer and challenge them to beat the clock. All toys on the first floor must be returned to the playroom, couch cushions replaced {gah!,} games and puzzles back in their boxes. I've even smartened up and put them to work more regularly...using the electric broom for spot floor cleaning or to do the stairs, fetching this and that, emptying trash cans inside and bringing the trash cans in from the street, emptying the dishwasher, putting away laundry.

* I've also enticed/cajoled encouraged the boy to read to the girl...what a concept...fantastic. Not to worry, I'm still reading to them myself, plenty. Our current bedtime read is The Jungle Book.

* And to fuel all this child labor...we've been more deliberate at breakfast time...each morning asking which protein do you want? Years ago a friend passed on this advice to me feed them protein at breakfast and it was reiterated more recently. We've been at it for more than a year and it makes a world of difference. The boy and I are classic carboholics. Try to take our box of crackers away and you'll pull back a bloody stump. So, we've been talking about the difference between carbs and proteins...our bodies use carbs up faster and we are hungry sooner than if we've eaten a protein, alone or with carbs. {We don't talk about good or bad foods in our house...just balancing foods that make our bodies work better with foods that don't.} You can have a pancake or cereal, with a protein. Eggs, PB, yogurt, kefir, or turkey bacon are our protein staples. By the way, my kids really like the kefir at Aldi. I don't know how the price compares to those elsewhere...we just pick it up there as that's our frequent grocery stop.

And I've added another favorite breakfast to my repertoire: my version of the fantastic Subway breakfast sandwiches ~ egg or egg white, grilled green peppers & onions, tomato slice...avocado slices or sprouts if we have them...on an English muffin or not.

* My Christmas fry pan {in ocean, *wink} is getting a workout. Seriously, I use it at least 3 times a day.

* This girl of mine eats frozen peas like jellybeans. Weird.

* Veering into the spiritual realm...I would like to stop the wishing...I spend an inordinate amount of time qualifying dreams with phrases...biding time until life is different. 

• when he gets home, security will return...
• when we leap off this merry-ground life, life will be less complicated...
• when relationship A, {B, C, D, etc.} becomes healthier, my restless heart will stop its wondering...
• OR I need to accept the fact that some people just don't dig me...and can't I be okay with that?
• if we ever sell this house, I can't wait to settle into a home with some woods and land...and get a big ol' dog
• when I get a grip on my health, I will be confident and purposeful....

Really a waste of time, don't you think? I was reminded in last night's sermon that this use of my brain power {and several others habits of mine} is a purposeless pursuit.

Kick me and remind me that my life rrrr-hocks.

Today, I will...cuddle, take a walk with the babes, not clean, take a nap, read my Bible extra long, try a new recipe {yum! reminds me of chili-cheese fritos and sweet HLMC...thinking of you and your family, sweetie...}

* Some of you have asked about churches...specifically why I think Eastview is "my favorite." I'm working on an answer for you...gathering and gleaning from that community, Mars Hill, and our home church. One thing in my evaluations has become clear again {thank God!}...church is not about me or my comfort.

Okay...I broke my less words policy. Bye!

Links I love

I love words...and I'm striving to use them more intentionally and thoughtfully. Only what is kind and necessary and true, right, friends? The necessary is what gets me...sometimes it feels necessary...but when I play back the tapes, my words were oh so not necessary.

These links surely do say it all well.

To you JJ Heller peeps! {And if you don't consider yourself a JJ Heller peep...you must change. That is all.} My friend, Julie found this treasure.

She also linked me to this...fun everyday projects to re-purpose things you have or recreate things you've seen others have. I've already made a camera strap cover with her help...fast and cute.

Look at these adorable cuties over at small things. She's having a giveaway...and the consolation prize is a tutorial. I know one little girl who is about as gifted as she's going to be for a while, but the dolly is so cute.

The thrill of the hunt...how I feel about hunting wrapped up nicely...especially the fact that she notes hunters' and fisherpeople's {shush...don't want to leave the sisters out, 'kay?} care and respect for God's earth.

Beautiful words about death...you may not agree with everything, but she explains some complex emotions I have of my momma's death as she describes her experience with her own parents' deaths.

And before I took Sweet Man to the airport this morning, I walked and listened to a Mars Hill sermon from 1/2/11. It was a guest speaker, but he quoted a desert monk who said, "Society is a shipwreck from which you must swim for your life." For some radical reason, I love that concept. In the world, not of it. He also encouraged us to become gospel artists...continuing the story God has unfolded before. You're just going to have to listen to it. 

Now to swim a little harder and faster...and a little more JJ love.

radical {baby} steps & a radical giveaway

*gulp*

I'm nervous about this post. It's of the thinking out loud, composing my thoughts sort. Expect some transparency. And some disjointed thought. Please do not interpret any presumption on my part...please don't infer an assault on your life...this is truly me working through God's message for me through this book. Okay, done with the disclaimers.

I have finally finished Radical. I hear you...it's about time...I've been reading it since May/Iowa. Whatev....do you want to hear the scoop?

Actually, there are so many other people who have more beautiful and intelligent things to say, like here. {Really, please read that link...His words through her are exquisite.}

Proceed with caution...the words may compel you to read the book...or send you running in the other direction. The book may mess with your head...or your life. If you are active in a fellowship, you'll question why you attend a certain church. If you are shaken like me, you'll begin to really pay attention to every dollar you spend {which is a very good thing for me, indeed.} If you lean to the radical already, well, watch out, world.

Watch this.

Radical by David Platt from Taylor Robinson on Vimeo.

So, thoughts... well, first my definitions based on my understanding and my experiences....


The American dream: If I work hard and treat people well, I will be rewarded with a fulfilling and comfortable life...and that's heaven enough for now. 


The gospel of grace: I can do nothing to earn my way into heaven. I deserve separation from God for my mistakes. The only way for me to join God in heaven is to believe and accept the sacrifice He has given for me in His son, Jesus. And because His love is better than my life, I should be willing to sacrifice anything to share the news and glorify Him.

Oh, yeah, we're getting right into it.

David Platt, author and pastor of an Alabama church, challenges followers of Christ to examine the contradiction between the American dream and God's gospel of grace. They cannot be assimilated...they don't fit together. He asserts that the individual cannot be believing and working toward the advancement of both. As a believer, I must choose one course...the success of me or Him.

My responsibility as a recipient of His grace and a follower of Christ is to share the news and extend that grace by sacrificially giving {my time, my material possessions, my loved ones, my commitment to giving in spite of what others do with my time & money, everything I have} all the while giving Him the credit. Period.  Specifically, God asks me to take care of the widows and orphans. And to go and talk to others about Christ...wherever they may be. 

Overwhelming.

Thank God, He's already given me a little insight.

I have a voice in my head that says, You deserve this. You've worked hard and been good. It's time to indulge. My American dream, right? Be it food, or spending, or comfort, or squandering time...the message and motivation are the same.  

The voice makes sense to me...partly because it seems logical...cause and effect, right? And partly because I have heard that message all my life as a middle-class American. Mostly, I believe it because I like a justified indulgence. 

But my American dream needs to be continually exposed in the light of the gospel. I'm beginning to recognize the arrogance of a selfish perpetuation of a culture of comfort which distracts me from my greater purpose as a follower of Christ.  

This book is an answer to prayer I didn't {and still don't want to} pray: LORD, help me silence the lie of the American dream. 

How do I know it's a lie? Well, if I believe that I deserve anything that God's provision has allowed me to have, what does another mother, who doesn't have access to the same resources, deserve?  Does she deserve struggle and suffering and the gut-eroding fear that she cannot give her children the fulfillment of basic needs?

Why do I have clean water from 3 sources within 10 feet and others have to walk miles to carry filthy water back to their families? {One of my favorite Christian communities, Mars Hill in Grand Rapids, Michigan, has partnered with this clean water program.}

I'm not talking about the consequences of personal choices...I know that enters into the mix. I'm talking about cultural, socio-economic obstacles that are part of this world...as basic as where one is born to the more complex issues of outright injustice.

Our world does not operate on the you get what you deserve principle. The universal question why do bad things happen to good people? continues through the ages. And people who have done unspeakable things have never come to earthly justice. I include myself in the latter.

So, just what am I supposed to do with all this? What do I now?

I don't know...I need to simmer a bit more...and ask some more hard questions of Him and myself.

How much of this do I believe?

How far am I willing to go?

How do I function as a contributing citizen in a system that contradicts my God? The emperor has no clothes.

Not to mention, I know I'm opening myself up to some scrutiny. I am very aware that you may chalk this up to me having an emotional response to tragic stories.  I sound  flaky or condemning. You will be watching me...how am I living? Has my paradigm shifted? How will my fickle flesh feel in a month? Prone to Wander isn't just the blog title...it's my heart status.


Can't I just walk away unaffected? It'd be so much easier. Just don't bug me about this right now, God....


So, do I really want to be different? I am at least shaken out of my slumber, once again.

I don't have answers. But I'm asking for the answers. And my finite brain can begin to analyze the choices I make in my day as extending grace or withdrawing it. I think?

That's about as far as I've gotten in the practical sense. {Oh, and a new practice with the kids that I'll talk about in my next post.} 

How do I sustain? Only by maintaining an awareness of the healing, understanding, and joy He has given me.  Just a moment of remembering my life 15 years ago...wandering in a fog, trying the world's answers to fulfillment. The gratitude floods back. When I recognize the miracles of timing and purpose...the times I trudge through my life focusing on my feet...He is working with precision with this little old life of mine. If I take a moment to look, His fingerprints are all over my life.

I love the Serenity Prayer...in its entirety, but I especially love the lines that are not so well known.

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life 

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen. 


Reinhold Niebuhr

Yes, that is what I believe. He rescued me from the muck of life...how far He has brought me, knowing all the while I will be far from perfect. But I will have love...and I'll never be alone. He has done it for all of us....and now it's my privilege to tell you and others. That's radical.

And there you go, the culmination of my conviction in a {very convoluted} nutshell.

*********************************************************

Here's the deal. I have an extra copy of Radical {don't worry, this is a good use of our dollars} and I'd like you to have it. So, leave a comment by Friday evening and I'll choose the winner on Saturday. {Terribly exciting, my first giveaway!}

Trouble for breakfast

Sounds so dramatic...all is well. Actually, all is fantastic!

After a fun weekend...Friday night in the Valley and Saturday church and cards with friends...we are home, as in...our home.

Sweet Man probably won't have to work for 2 weeks, until our trip to the beach. I tremble with excitement....

Embracing the normal, today we relax: play games, listen to podcasts from my man Rob Bell, go for a walk in the sun, watch movies (we decided that it is time to share the brilliance that is The Princess Bride with the babes. Prepare for a barrage of one-liners from Bug.)

And I'm cooking...lots. I forget how much I like to cook until I'm in my own kitchen. I love days where we don't have to do anything.

Beyond blessed

Hi, Sweet Friends,

It's Friday and I sit this glorious evening on MY porch in my new FREE chair. Oh yes, I've been "Yard-sale"ing and the booty is plentiful. I know, it's becoming an obsession.

It has been a great week...a challenging one. But in light of all, really great. The body of Christ is alive and well in my Momma's life (and mine.) I cannot keep track of the blessings she has received. There are friends at every turn offering help, time, food, flowers, and especially prayer. And she is better this week. More independent and sassy.

Anyway, here are snapshots:

* found a pesky receipt that had eluded me

* caught up with two of my momma's sisters and introduced my babes to one of them for the first time

* spent 2 normal days with my babes...doing puzzles, making bread, general puttering

* visited our hometown Children's museum with a sweet friend and our 5 babes

* unpacked 4 6 bins of my stuff...aahhhh

* been present as a another sweet friend delivered a gorgeous baby girl

* gotten the yard, the pool and the house under control, well almost

* had several enlightening and encouraging phone conversations, especially one with my Recovery sponsor...

* indulged in appetizers for dinner with a sweet friend...yum! just what I needed.

* officially taken the house of the market...the sign and the lock box are gone (watch, now we'll get an offer and consider it...)

* sent my babes off to my terrific in-laws for three days, which coincides with the primo yard-sale-ing days of the week...not planned, but embraced...

* listened to three podcast sermons on 3 bike rides. Rob Bell from Mars Hill Detroit oozes wisdom...you can listen here. And I'm talking, like every sentence from Bill Johnson hits between the eyes...

* found these on my porch...beautiful!

* scored $100's of homeschooling books for about $50 at a yard sale! Because, oh yeah, I am about to be the momma of an official kindergartner...eeek!

* had a friend insist that every Wednesday evening for the forseeable future, she will stay with my babes to give me a break

* received news that my sweet man is being transferred to an office in Cincinnati...road trip to Cincy to stay for part of next week! Lots of catch-up hugs and kisses!

* prayed like never before, not out of fear...I am not impressed by cancer; I am confident in my God.

So good week, and I'm ready to tackle the next.