coping skills

What a week! Sweet Man has been away on business - 5 days. It used to be easier for me to parent on my own, but this trip threw me for a loop. That safety net of support in Licking County was so important to me. I thought about running "home" for a few days, but logistically, it didn't make sense. We stayed put in Dayton.

Sam and I had a horrendous school day Monday. Four hours of work became 8 hours. Fourth grade's no joke, but a day's work should never take him that long. He found constant sources of distraction - the dog, a toy, a snack, a piece of paper...I don't know...I was busy distracting myself.

I finally chased him out of the house to the park because I could not bear to fight about it any more. And took away screen time for 4 days. (Just who am I punishing. I didn't think that through, did I?)

Josie needed me more than I could satisfy...mostly as a playmate.

Our neighbors here, who have befriended us, are moving to a new town this week.  During any other week, I would probably be bummed to say goodbye.

But this week that fact sent me over the edge into a very real fear, right into feeling very lonely and sorry for myself. Those thoughts spun me up right quick and I was close to holing up in a closet and going to sleep for the week.

But of course, hiding was not going to fly. I have these precious people with me. I needed a plan to cope, so I did my best. I'm not suggesting that your plan would be the same...but mine worked for the night.

I prayed...and asked others to pray for us.
I hugged the kids and sent them to bed.
I enjoyed a glass of wine and a few too many cheap, store-bought cookies.
I watched "Call the Midwife" on Netflix.
I made a plan for the next day.
I let the dog out one last time.
I checked the locks.
I slept finally.

Tuesday was different, thank God!

Sam and I used a timer to stay on task. We didn't fight. I didn't yell or speak in a condescending voice. We ate good food: fresh eggs and oatmeal for breakfast, veggies at lunch. We took frequent chicken chasing breaks. Josie did her schoolwork quickly and well and found independent entertainment.

School was finished by 1pm! And that victory meant we could spend our afternoon at a park where the Dayton Parks Dept had organized a kayaking event. Local outfitters were there and let us take their kayaks out for a spin. So fun! {We're in the picture somewhere!}

Remind me next time I start sinking: GO OUTSIDE, AMY! Vitamin D and fresh air will do you well!

So we will survive...already halfway through the week. And Friday will be a piece of pie as we are at school all day and Sam goes to his Lego League meeting in the evening. I'll have my partner back by dinnertime and that will make all the difference.


{This clip helped cheer me up, too:}

gray day

Hi, Friends,

(caution: whinefest ahead!)

Having a gray day here. I woke up at 4am and couldn't sleep and was immediately consumed by thoughts that we've done the wrong thing by moving here. The devil's not in the details; he's in the shadows of 4am, whispering his doubt. I get that...however, am not unaffected by it.

The house is in various levels of disruption with no one room complete. Trying out paint blotches on the walls, random boxes containing random things that we have just given up sorting, rooms empty of furniture or carpet. First world problems. But leaving me unsettled.

Most of all, I miss you all. Our life was so rich at home with support and fun and we have not connected with anyone here; not neighbors, not a church, not at school. None of us. It takes time, I know. But today I feel it.

And I'm just mad at my husband. He is working 12-14 hour days at this new job and although he loves it, I'm thinking, "I didn't sign up for this." I need my best friend now more than ever and he is largely unavailable.

Last night, we began a new tradition for our family. Daddy/daughter date & Momma/son date for Valentine's day. How do you do such in a one car family? Blessedly, each munchkin chose a restaurant across a parking lot from the other.

What a sweet time I had with my handsome Valentine Bug. He likes to talk...and much of the time in our normal days, I'm ashamed to say, I don't listen. Because he talks about things I'm not necessarily into, or because I believe the lie that what I'm doing or thinking is more important. I hold his precious heart in my hands and if I'm not going to engage and listen, who will? It was so nice to make him my most important task for an hour.

Well, must get on with it. Thanks for listening and indulging me a little navel-gazing. I need to lift my head up and do a little Col.3:23.

Blesssings!

de-funk-ify

Friends, this is not going to be pretty. It has been a whinefest in my head and now it's here in in black & white. Some of you have endured my other fits, and you're still here? Wonders never cease.

Living this nomadic life for two+ years has at least afforded me a little warning, so I've anticipated the creeping, sucking funk. And I am very aware of my propensity to hibernate. But it usually hits about three weeks into a trip. The snow and cold has me feeling particularly trapped, so it's early. Call it cabin fever...I don't really know what to call it, but it smacks of the depression I felt after my mom died.

I feel disconnected. We're here, alone. My kids are sick of me...they need their buddies. I miss you at home, but don't feel really part of that world either, because we're gone often enough. And in a week, when we are back, I will be a single momma again, leaving Sweet Man here. Those are the choices, right now. {We chose this, I know...y'all have been mighty gracious, never saying that to my face.}

What I know is that the tension of this life has me frayed, yet again. Stretched beyond. I'm speaking of the tension that we all live with...Romans 7 stuff...I want to do what I should not and can't muster the strength to do the things I should. I can't hold ends together for my kids. I'm tired of fighting it...tired of meal planning, picking up, untangling hair and fights...finding engaging, healthy, creative ways to spend our time. 

I gotta get out of this place.

In fair weather, we do just that...spend hours at the playground, ride bikes on the trail, fly a kite, something. But I'm out of ideas...we've played Uno and Go Fish, been to the museum {& going back Thursday,} been thrifting and grocery shopping, made valentines. I'm thinking about hitting the gym with a day pass, but I don't know what the childcare sitch is at the gyms in town and don't have the energy to find out. Don't know if we I can endure the 0 degrees to go play in the snow. We've been swimming enough that everything {and everyone} has a slight bouquet of chlorine.

Today, I want to give in to every whim, theirs or mine. Yes, you can eat M & M's for breakfast...sure, let's watch another episode of Zach and Cody, even though we've seen this one 3 times already...no, *sigh* we don't have to do school today...of course, you can tear the room apart, walk barefoot to the car, tackle your brother...shoot the balloons with your fake bow and arrow, in your underwear {you look like Cupid}...go for it. {Post edit: They didn't have m&m's for breakfast, we did indeed have school, etc. I'm just getting worn out from the negotiations.}

Every day there are parts of me that compel me to just check out, drive through Krispy Kreme {have I told you there's one so close that I could spit and hit it?} and sack out in front of the TV. {Haven't done it...yet.} 

That damn screen...it's so easy...and we have many tempting versions...cable, laptops, smart phones...and now, a DSi. {Thank you, Sweet Man. It's a problem...I may have mentioned...the number one argument between us. How much screen time is okay? What habits do we want our kids to cultivate? What is real...on a screen, in a book, in life?} Sometimes I wish we were a TV free house...and am very aware that we could be, especially when Sweet Man is away. Maybe. I want my kids to love books and learning...hiking and the outdoors...healthy, safe relationships...good nourishing food. Using the bodies and minds and hearts God gave them...not numbing them with the anesthesia of technology. 

But today, I want to give in and slip into that slumber. {Is this a struggle just for me?} 

Because I know my body tricks me and signals that it wants something that will not do me any good in the long run, I'm reigning in my sugar, carbs, and caffeine...getting plenty of sleep...I hope my adrenal system will thank me, soon. That could be a good part of this equation.

And a good dose of service would help, causing us to look beyond the walls of this hotel and beyond ourselves. Haven't figured that out yet...visits to nursing homes? volunteering at the church pantry?

And maybe a kid-free break...that would be good...maybe. Sweet Man will let me go get a cup of decaf, sans enfants...maybe.

Well, I've put on my favorite sweater and my pink chucks. I'm listening to my incredible kids play Simon Says and talk about puppies nervous pee-ing. Maybe we'll go visit the meerkats {indoors} at the zoo.  Then to the library. Maybe I'm starting to smile.

{Post edit: The zoo was fun...we went from warm building to warm building and sat and watched the the meerkats, a Sumatran tiger, the gibbons, and the lemurs...spending enough time that we did not make it to the library...but there are 9+ hours to fill tomorrow. AND...Sweet Man said, of course, go find a Starbucks or a bookstore. Get out for a while. Wonderful man. Wonderful kids.}

Tap-out

Allrighty, I'm losing steam with this single momma gig. {I really don't know how single parents do it...with jobs and little support.}

Bug was up half the night with a stomach bug...today he's back to normal, like it never happened at all. The only evidence left is a pallet on my bedroom floor and my wishing I had toothpicks for my eyelids.

{I don't say it out loud, because I don't want to jinx us, but we don't get very s*ck very often. We each get little sniffly, annoying colds, but nothing that stops us in our tracks. The last time he, ahem, upchucked,  he was one.  And immediately after he did last night, he said, "That's what they call barfing, right, Mom?" Bean never has barfed.}

It's Friday night and my state of mind is holding tight...I'm still pretty crazy about these kiddos.  And it's not even about needing a break, which would be fantastic, but if I really needed one, wouldn't I make arrangements? Yes.

I may have complicated things by watching two Nicholas Sparks movies this week {Dear John ~ meh  & The Last Song ~ really sweet} Boy, if that isn't the defibrilator for flat-lining emotions.

But enough already, I just wanna hug my husband and feel his scruffy face. With the kiddos piled on top of us.

And things were going swimmingly

WARNING: The ramblings of Summer Whinefest 2010 are about to begin.

{My computer is in the shop....again.....I know! But some sweet friends have given me a loaner...my window on the world. Thank you!}

The phone rings...and the news changes our world. Not a phone call of profound changes. Not a phone call of the loss of life.

A phone call from the boss... a change of work plans. Sweet Man has a meeting that's been on our radar for months.  The meeting lasts 3 days and then he would travel home for a bit and back to headquarters to work on a project... for 90 days.

Family of four fun is over. We've had Creation, Fourth of July and camping fun...and time even for projects/relaxing at the house. A whole month of our favorite summer things. But alas, our summer days with Sweet Daddy are coming to an end...and we were planning a few more special things to do with Daddy when he came home after the meeting and before the new assignment.

But then, the phone rang. The boss...again. Plans have been changed...again. Still the meeting, still the 90 days at headquarters, but now there is a short assignment in Nebraska between the two. Short enough that it's not worth the trip for us to go out there. And there will be no trip home for him.

It may not seem much different on paper...but I am feeling the difference...an acute sadness fell on me. My head resumed its spinning...with the projects and the decisions and the errands and the obligations that I now have to take on myself.

Sweet Man wisely asked that I not let the new developments ruin the short time we had left together. We'll be apart for 3 weeks...which is about the longest I can go without him without losing my mind.

He left yesterday.

Our house is not sold and no longer on the market...which is fine in the short term...no cleaning, no showings. But, we still have a house...with many things in storage...I'm still grieving a few of the things I "selled away" in our haste to empty our house. And this house is still filling up with junky stuff I buy in the meantime. It has been 18 months of meantime. The things that were clean and fixed at the beginning of this adventure are showing their wear again.

In our backyard, a significant project is in progress...the back fence is gone, soon the jungle behind it will be, too. I feel a little exposed. People can see in my backyard...can see us in our backyard. That's okay, though, right? I mean we're all people living in the same area...this could be a great thing. But Sweet Man won't be back to help make the final decisions on which screen {fence or foliage} we use to replace that boundary.

Homeschooling starts soon.

A few other big decisions are on the back burner.

The anniversary of Mom's death is approaching.

I must be careful, while he's gone, about my schedule as I have the tendency to fill the missing with too many activities...just so I'm not sitting at home missing him. So we're here...I'm determined to slow down...protect some quiet days even as my kiddos whine, "what are we doing today? who's coming over? I'm so bored."

I shouldn't even give a moment's energy to this discomfort of mine. A dear friend lost her sweet husband a few days ago...I have no right to gripe.

There's blackberry jam in the pantry...and cucumbers and zucchini on the counter, ready for some recipe experimentation. There are friends ready to help. There are smiles and cozy, cuddling-in-bed talks...and another VBS {I know...ridiculous}...there's Zumba...there are new discipline efforts that are working?.... There's swimming everyday {the pool looks fantastic after a little work, yesterday}...there's red nail polish...there are sweet hand-me down clothes...there's lots of love. There's a weekend whitewater rafting trip with my Women's Adventure Group...stay tuned...woohoo! {Made possible by gracious Grandma and Grandpa Johnson....thank you!!!!}

There is a greater plan and purpose for this time and for this family.

There are blessings all around.

Lots going on in this family and in this brain. Not quite enough time to understand or explain it all.


I'm sure once I get my synapses firing coherently, it will help to write these fleeting, floating thoughts. Can't promise if or when that will be.

I'm trying not to be too busy...riiiiggghht ...'cause gosh golly, I am lonesome for my sweet man and partner. If I keep moving and talking and firing, I think about the craziness of this life less.

God is good all the time and He understands it all. So, maybe I don't have to keep trying.

Nightmare before Christmas

Playing in the snow, pot of soup on the stove and cookies in the oven, reading Little House Christmas stories, talking about our Lord and Savior as a precious baby, decorating a gingerbread house....

...sounds idyllic...

...except for the 42 times I yelled....

Somehow, all requests of mine were unheard, ignored, or inspired the antithesis. Today we were a case study in mutiny and exasperation...and codependency.  A current rant in my repertoire is "You have no idea how good your life is...get. a. grip." I need to try a different tack 'cause it ain't working.

I am wrapping presents whilst the hoodlums sleep. Bring on the cafe au Bailey's...it's been a long day. Ho, ho, ho.

Can you think of a good caption for this picture? Those snowpeople are downright de-ranged....
Fitting, really.

Catchup on Creation

Okay, and we're back....

Creation got busy once the festival started, so I lost my blog motivation....

The kids had a great time reuniting with friends they've met but don't see very often. They each had a buddy to hang out with. And everyone got comfortable enough to fight with each other and then make up. We really had a blast with Bug and Bean and friend, Tony, and his kids. Each morning, we attempted to travel to the Kid's Tent to hear fun music, see the reptile/amphibian guy (still don't know the difference; I wasn't listening so good :) ) and a new ventriloquist (yay-I never liked the creepy guy from the last 3 years.) And we spent mucho time at the Inflatables Play area - it had a climbing wall and bungee/trampoline thingy. And no one got sunburn, despite the beautiful weather!!!!

We got to see Chris Tomlin, Third Day, and David Crowder on main stage...we heard Casting Crowns. I heard some good "new to me" music...B. Reith and New Found Son. And I found the Jon Foreman CD I've been looking for...cheap! Late night giggles were stifled around the campfire...you know, after "Lights Out" but we just couldn't truck our dusty selves one last time to the port-o-pots and then zip ourselves into bed. None of my favorite speakers were there...like David Nassar or Rob Bell but I heard some good stuff... hmmm, sounds like I'm complaining. Yep, here comes my pity party...stop reading if you don't wanna hear it....

It turned out to be a different Creation for me...maybe because of life circumstances this time around. There were many "i's" undotted and "t's" uncrossed with our last minute shelter scramble. I forgot/didn't plan well and was logistically unprepared for our 5-day rough camp. The tent was way comfortable, but my head was just not in the game. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be as "fun" as it has been in past years.

I was feeling maybe a little vulnerable or raw or something and it took one song from Chris Tomlin to break me...Thursday night. The rest of the week, emotion was close to the surface. Several times I found myself sitting in a chair, zoned out.

Bottom line is: God used the week to reteach a lesson that I should already know and live.

I've said this before... often, my stress is proportional to the difference between my expectations and reality. And to take it one step further, if I try to control a situation or a person to fit my expectations...I'm WAY off base.

When I have expectations of people (myself included,) events, or even God, I am in the wrong. Especially expectations that are unspoken. How fair is that? When I count on an individual to give me whatever it is I think I need, and don't even bother to express what I need, I'm bound for disappointment. When I assume that a wonderful experience will be duplicated, I will be disillusioned. I am so self-centered. Human beings were not meant to fulfill me and my needs. Life should only drive me into greater dependence on the One who can make more sense of it.

In a crisis moment (okay, another of my tantrums,) I took a walk and had a meeting with God. Through my blurred, teary eyes I could see my mistakes.

I needed to learn that lesson again...hope I don't again soon. Lord, help me live the day...and enjoy...not frequently wish things were different. I can pray for the best, try to plan for the worst...and end up somewhere in the middle. That's sounds pretty good to me.

I did worship and I am thankful for the lesson. I can be pretty sure that it was just the Creation God had planned for me.

Crazy is catching up with me

Caution: Bi-monthly vent session/agonizing navel-gazing ahead...proceed without judgment, please.

(Please understand, I am so thankful for all the help, patience, and counsel we have received from all of you. I do not want to be thankless. I want to be honest and real. This self-centered post is really to help me try to sort this all out...like a diary entry. Rhetorical.)

When it comes to big life stuff, my decision-making skills are poor, to say the least. I grind away at possibilities, stay up late mulling, ask the grocery cashier what she thinks, and then beg my husband to just tell me what to do. I don't like making a bad decision. I don't like people thinking I am making a bad decision. And I am terribly uncomfortable being the stop for the buck, the end of the line, the one holding the proverbial bag and having to defend my decision. I want someone else to defend me. I want to feel that I am not on my own swinging in the breeze. When we come right down to it, I want someone to blame if "you know what" hits the fan. Can you say "co-dependent, passive-aggressive?" Can you say, "Grow up!"?

I do have to make decisions...all the time. Just like everyone. So now, if I have to make one, I scrunch my eyes and just jump. And spend a few days, looking over my shoulder, wondering, did I make a good decision this time? Please? Sometimes I even change my mind and drive everyone around me n.v.t.s. NUTS!

So I made a decision to travel home...worked out a way to efficiently use up the contents of our fridge (eat, eat, and keep eating!) got an oil change for the road, started packing, and communicated those plans. You know, got my head around the logisitics of it and locked it in.

Now that I am committed, why is it that last night in the dark...the thoughts creep in and start to distort my circumstances...while my husbands snores (really, have you heard him?) peacefully away and the darkness overwhelms? I sound so dramatic, but at the time, it really was. I was isolated and afraid, and my thoughts swirled. Anxiety led to more anxiety. "What are we going to do about...? and what about.....?" It built until I broke and asked God if I could just crawl into His lap. And I finally went to sleep. 

It has happened often enough throughout the years, that I can recognize it for what it is...intense irrationality. I can tell myself it won't last all night; just ride it out and life will look differently in the light of the new morning. Or, God-willing, the episode will even be forgotten.

But last night, it may have been a little different, like there was some truth in it. The anxiety lingers faintly. These are thoughts that have been circling but not landing in this brain. And all surround the circumstances of our new gypsy life.

1. How is this gypsy life affecting the kids? Does moving around every few weeks get to them? Is their sense of security threatened? And not having Daddy around all the time...how does that affect them? Are there enough constants in their lives to anchor?

2. We have not been in one place long enough to get the babes involved in dance, art, music, soccer, karate, etc. (Well, we were home long enough, but didn't realize it soon enough...such is this life.) How do I raise well-rounded people when I am not particularly proficient in those areas and can't hand them over to someone who is? 

3. How do I mitigate the mental exhaustion of an almost constant stream of evaluation: where is the best place to be today? With Sweet Daddy on the road? stay in the hotel for the day? go to a park? Stay in the Valley? In Licking County? 

4. And what do we need to maximize our day? groceries, intellectual stimulation, rest, coffee, new socks, companionship, alone time, cash, exercise, fun, discipline, a potty...? And how and where do I find what we need in this place that I barely know?

5. We've left our old life behind...and our friends. We can try to make friends where we are at any given time, but we have friends, that we love and miss. I keep thinking that when we are home, we can plug back in, but it's not quite the same. And we do not live in Licking County anymore. I need to get that through my head. It's different.

6. (This one is so stupid.) The Neal Avenue POOL...ugh...our neighbors must be shaking their fists at the sky for leaving 10,000 gallons of mosquito goodness within 10 feet of their backyard. We have got to get home to do something about that stupid pool that we probably won't even use this summer. Grrrrr.....

and the big one....

7. My momma is sick...and it's real...and I can't do anything from here or there.  

Last night, in the dark, it seemed easier to just stay here and ignore the challenges of coming home.

I have learned through Celebrate Recovery that I have a delay on my feelings; it takes me a while to recognize how I feel about a given situation. I have a wise friend who asks me how I'm doing, how this life change is affecting me. I answer..."We're good. It's a fun life. It has its challenges. I love it." And I do love it...it is fun and challenging. But why are these latent feelings waking me up? And do I need to take them seriously?

So, let's review...my immediate family is safe, well-fed ;), dry, warm. Most bills are paid. And we are loved...I am thankful. Really. Wah!

Tap, tap, tap...how long?

While being away for a mere two months, I looked forward to coming home. And I have loved being home for the most part. It surprised me how difficult the logistics have been: where should we sleep tonight, where are the mittens, what can I cook for dinner in a pared down kitchen, how do I catch up on relationships and activities I've missed and not squeeze out normal "home" days, etc? These little questions tangled me up, confused me, and sometimes brought me low.

I miss my love. Life is easier, sweeter, better with him. It has been different being apart this time. The holding pattern continues. We've wondered how long his assignment would have to be to make it worth it for us to travel three days? I think we have our answer. We're going on three weeks, which is not the longest, but it seems it.

Life is different but somehow more harmonious out there. My priority, other than keeping us alive, is to make Sweet Man's life most efficient. With him working 12-13 hours a day, 6 days a week, he needs that. (I know there are so many out  there who have that same challenge.) We try to protect the time we have together as a family by getting the mundane out of the way so that we can adventure together, or at least relax. 

I'm ready to get back to it, that rhythm of life. Choosing to push the "easy" button on some things (ie: cooking) to maximize time with my babes and my sweet man. It's what I've asked God to do for me: show me how to engage in the moments to the fullest with these people I get to know. Pull in tighter, keeping our eyes on Our Savior, so that whether we are "at home" or out in the world, we are peaceful and purposeful. I crave that.

So, I'm ready to hit the road again. Don't get me wrong...I adore you Ohio folk, but I've been here a while, biding time. It was so momentous for me to pack up the house and move out to go to Texas...it really seemed so permanent. Big giant steps. When I pulled out of our driveway that December morning, I kinda thought I wouldn't see this house again. Seems silly now really. Because, here we are. At church, more than a few people have said to me, "You're still here? I thought you were gone...." Yeah, I know. But I'm not quite here, either.

Pray

Hi, friends,

I'm asking for a little prayer. We moved into our new place - an extended stay Marriott. It's very nice and there will be extra perks like free breakfast and frequent housekeeping. But it is eensy, teensy, tiny, small. It is a fourth of the size of the apartment we just left, which was half the size of our house on Neal. Do the math. I need to purge even more if we are going to function here. And I won't relax until I find a place for everything. I can't see how we are going to do school, cook, eat, be, etc. So either I need to figure out how to do with less or how to change my expectations. Sweet Man has a great outlook as usual and I'm sure I'll catch up with him eventually. But I feel overwhelmed and anxious. I'm ready to explore the area, but feel like we won't be able to just chill out here, like we were able to at the last place - wow, we had it good the first time out of the gate. But we are together and Sweet Man's schedule will be a little lighter in this office. We will be here for 3 weeks, until the kids and I come home and then I meet him in Las Vegas for a week. Okay, wah, wah, wah - my life's so rough, and I did sign up for this, wah, but please pray for my attitude. 

And if anyone has recipes for easy (ie: just a few ingredients,) healthy, kid-friendly skillet or crock pot meals - pass them on, baby. Not too much to ask, right? Post here or email me.

Love to all.