Editor's note: Honestly, I haven't wanted to write any of this...for lots of reasons, some petulant, and some justified. I can't get out of this funk. I know I'm not alone...and I guess this is my self-absorbed way of asking for yet even more prayer. I know some of you dear friends are struggling, too. Life is hard.
PS.: This is another rhetorical post...no need to comment on it.
And that last post has to be funny to me, or I would just lose another chunk of sanity. I will laugh at it or I will lose my ever-loving mind.
There are changes in my body, my skin, my energy, my concentration level, my sleep, my balance, my muscles. Hence, the doctor visit and lab work. I want answers... and something I can implement without much effort. There are just no reserves.
My thought process is more convoluted than usual. Back and forth, I swing on any given decision or I just stop thinking about it.
To say I have conflicting emotions is an understatement.
I feel so alone, yet, I don't want to talk to anyone.
I want to be here in my home, but I want to join my husband in that lovely hotel. However, when I am with him, I expect (there's that word again) him to understand that I really just want to go to bed and hide. (Understand, I'm just recognizing that feeling myself...and have only begun to express it to him.) I loosen up on my emotions and let down a little...but that unleashes other emotions and I am downright mean to him. Not to mention, I don't want to do the work it takes to get to where he is.
I cling to my kids and then avoid engaging with them. Or I yell.
I want this phase of grieving to be over. (Again, no need for alarm...I don't want life to be over...I just want it to get back to normal.) I keep thinking the worst is over. I am wrong. I expected the holiday flare-up and the finality of getting rid of her things. So, when does this wave slide back to the sea?
And I fear I'm driving people away talking about how miserable I am. There's no sense that I'm still feeling this way. Just give me the next task, so I can get on with it.
I want my Savior. Where is He, anyway? I can think of a Sunday School answer...but it doesn't help me much right now.