Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You.
Psalm 63:3

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Mental health update

I imagine that there are so many checking in on story and life are indeed I won't keep the multitudes in suspense. (Journaling/blogging seems so self-absorbed....ick.)

I may sound crass...I do often...but I feel like I vomited emotionally last night. You know, that pressure that builds and when it's finally released...gross, but good. I'm feeling head, my heart, my body...I'm still tired, but that's my bad habit of staying up too late.

I asked for help...I asked the right people. I didn't want to ask friends or family who were suffering their own grief to bear some of my burden. So, I asked ladies not intimately involved in my family...women who wouldn't be sucked into my drama. They said what I needed to hear and asked me to feel what I needed to feel. They listened and I felt like I could say anything...they'd still love me. They held the rope, lowered me into the darkness and didn't let go. That was the kicker...I needed to know someone would be there to pull me out of it. Powerful help from powerful sisters. They embody the meaning of the Body of Christ.

It's time to honor my mom, her life, and her legacy in me...but it's time to get on with my life...not be stuck in the sadness.

They also encouraged me to do some that I have neglected, because "everything right now is so hard...I deserve a break." Yup, there's the lie I've believed for so much of my life. Entitlement..."I've been so good and worked so hard...I deserve this indulgence in (fill in the blank.)" Seeking comfort in the wrong things, for me, ends up being destructive...and ultimately uncomfortable...for me and possibly those around me. Seeking comfort and ease as a means of fulfillment, for me, is wrong. Or the lie, that I can't do this life thing...I'm too hurt, too damaged, too disillusioned.

I need to figure out what that all means. I don't understand it yet, so I'm sure I'm not explaining it articulately. Now begins the work of finding the truth that replaces the "I deserve it" lie when I think I need comfort. Or when is comfort appropriate? And from what/whom? What fulfills and what really destroys?

I need to absorb the truth that of course, I can't do this life thing. No one can alone...we can ask for help...and Help.

I am not proclaiming here and forever that I am finished with this chapter, but the unprovoked, pervasive sinking-into-my-bones-sorrow-can't-get-away-from-it is at bay. There was joy this morning. And gratitude.

(Today, the kids and I are pretty much just hanging out, making cookies, snuggling, cleaning a bit. Sweet Daddy's in Cincinnati and we thought we might be there by now, but our car is in the shop until Monday. So, don't be surprised if you see us. I'll be the one smiling.)

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