Today's been a tender day for me.

I miss my man.

I miss my mom.

I'm MAD...

and I'm not sure at whom.

I want to do things I shouldn't.

I keep wondering...

Is this really my life?

My family?

My home?

I'm being shaped by events out of my control.

Aren't we all...?

Not sure if I'm ready for the continuing refinement...

But that may not matter.

Few more thoughts

bMy thoughts and my conversations keep going back to these Kenyan bloggers...very touching, provoking stories...click on the Compassion widget to the right and you can see the collection as the posts continue to come in. This week, I'm learning so much more about the organization and the way it works. (The focus is on Kenya in this season, but always aware that need is global as is Compassion International's response.)

The bloggers are meeting sponsored kids who refer to their sponsors with a word that means "hero." They know about, talk about, share news about their sponsors. They treasure the letters and gifts that come from miles away.

Sponsorship evokes celebration and joy. That is profound and humbling to me. And convicting that I am not taking our role in Wilma's life more seriously...I'm not talking to my children about her as much as I should. I'm not praying for her as much as I should. And that I don't have more Wilmas in my life...through Compassion, Campus Crusade (here's another partnering opportunity with Sara!!,) or down the street. I'm not anyone's hero, to be sure...I am common and broken and sleepy...but we all have need and we all have a Savior.

I have lulled myself to sleep with the comforts of this world...my TV, my stocked pantry, my clutter, my squandered time. I live in the Land of Nod. Lord, help me to remember my need for you. Keep waking me up from my overfed, overstuffed, apathetic slumber.  

Sure shots

Well, not sure.

Soapbox alert: I am venturing into a controversial topic of vaccinations...what I know is my experience, my research, and the guidance in my gut of the One I Love. And as always, there is no judgment here...this is where my family and I are...you and yours are probably in a different place.

Medical stuff...I proceed cautiously. I shiver at the thought of altering body chemistry because someone has told me I should.

The vaccine schedule set by the AAP is ridiculous, IMHO. Regardless of the anecdotal and scientifically gathered information that there are inherent risks in vaccines...that a body may be forever altered because of a shot...not to mention that I feel that some vaccines are made unethically...and all are pushed on people who may not know or feel compelled to examine the information given to them by the very ones who profit from selling the vaccines... yeah, put all that aside.... 

Back in the day, it made me sick to my stomach to consider giving my 2 month old sweet babe several doses of stuff in one day...the same amount that would be given to a 12 year old child or an adult. No, thank you.

So, today, our pediatrician was composed and as sweet as ever as we discussed vaccinations. I felt no condescension or impatience. We've had an understanding that she will continue to broach the subject during our visits and I will continue to consider them. 

You see, today, I have become a delayed-vaccines momma. Previously, I was a no-vaccines momma. But now that my kids are bigger and I feel like I know a bit more...never will I know enough, ever, ugh...the doc and I came to a compromise. One shot per visit...and only the few I feel are necessary. Off the list are the vaccines for the illnesses from which I believe our bodies can recover naturally.

I didn't tell them until we were in the office that they would be getting shots. Bug was brave and went first. Bean held back and was hesitant and then she cried. No fainting this time. Big brother had words of encouragement and hugs for her. Stickers and a sucker helped, too.

Coming home, lunch was a priority, so I put out a smorgasbord of veggies, fruit, and hard-boiled eggs to eat with toothpicks.

Bug almost immediately saw a connection that I had not intended. He gave his egg shots. 

An exercise in futility

You may be about to know more about me than you want to...

transparency, right?

I exercise.

Shocker.

Imagine how volumptuous I'd be if I didn't.

Well, I imagine it; you don't have to.

I'm fairly dedicated to the pursuit of fitness.

And to the pursuit of varying amuse-bouches.

The latter to reward the former.

My mind is twisted, I tell ya.

The amuse-bouche du jour is good bread, feta cheese, and pesto.

Or Jenni's candy corn "trail mix."

Or a Honeycrisp apple.

Or the oatmeal raisin cookies from the W-mart bakery...

I know! That was a surprise.

It's that day-old rack...it gets me almost every time.

Oh, right...exercise.

But I do enjoy walking, aerobics, biking, even running (albeit slowly,) etc.

 I really like the Wii Fit.

It don't lie.

Since my body has accommodated two beautiful, rascally, considerably-sized babes

and delivered them into the world...

I have noticed some changes in my anatomy.

And its capacities.

I must choose my mode of exercise wisely.

And how vigorously I propel myself,

or laugh....

(So if you think I don't find you raucously funny...

I may be holding back, refraining from expressing it

 on your upholstered furniture.


Or maybe you aren't terribly funny. That is a possiblity.)

Perhaps you know what I'm talking about.

Perhaps not.

Sweet Man suggests I take up swimming for fitness...
and stop fighting it.

Public parenting

Disclaimer: This another anti-fluff post.

I may have mentioned before some challenges in my relationship with my Bug. I am crazy in love with this boy, but am realizing that there are some fundamental mistakes in my parenting, the results of which are becoming obvious. In a nutshell, he is exhibiting those tendencies of being lazy, afraid, apathetic, unchallenged, and unmotivated. Those tendencies against which his momma has always fought in herself. Why would I be intolerant, you ask? Good question.

Saturday night, we drove home from the lake and Sweet Man parked the car at our nearest big mart to grab a couple of things for dinner. Just fine, until Bug woke up from a little nap. I won't go into details about all of it. He did something he shouldn't have done. Suffice it to say... 

...I lost it...my composure (been trying so hard to keep that in check,) my temper, my effort to refrain from humiliating my child, and my streak of never swearing at my child. And it happened in public. In the W-mart parking lot. I was actually standing outside the van, at the trunk, when I blew. my. top.

I said things to him and around him, that I never have before. I was mean. I wanted him to feel bad. Major damage.

And to contrast even more I was scheduled to sing with the Praise Team the next morning. That doesn't mean I should hide this incident, just that maybe I am not in a place to be leading others in worship. I was actually hoping that someone from church would see me in my unfaithful moment and call me out on it. Maybe someone did see me and we'll have a talk some time soon. Good, I deserve it.

I can attempt to explain the incident with having a semi-crazy summer and a month of just trying to survive. Or blame it on lack of sleep at the campground or the junk-food diet for the last few days. Too many days of wacky schedule, easy eating, gifts, TV time, and treats have led to expectations and negotiations and just plain bad behavior.

But that would not suffice.

I have a problem. I try to keep control and want each and every circumstance to turn out favorably for me...I take responsibility for the actions of my children and want them to reflect the best of me. And when that doesn't happen and I am inconvenienced or embarrassed...I lose it.

I was very wrong. I need forgiveness from him, my husband, and my Father.

I was surprised by the appearance of the woman I thought I had left behind. The angry, mean, intolerant, irrational momma...each time she shows herself I am humbled and full of regret and pray that I never see her again. She always surprises me. Remember that transformation to which I was referring a few posts back...yeah, well, I do believe I've taken a few steps backward on that path. 

I'm left wondering...the old (wo)man that I was, full of sin, bought and redeemed by the blood of Christ...I thought she was eradicated, gone, out of me. But has she just been bound up to be unleashed? Is she still in me? And how do I get rid of her?

I long to be different. I am different than I was, but not as much as I thought.

Don't freak out, but...

I am not the most cautious parent. Bumps and bruises found on my children are often the result of my haste and carelessness. And I am not one to succumb to behavior-changing panic after I receive an email account of something that may or may not have happened in the parking lot of a convenience store/mall/gas station. (I appreciate snopes.com to diffuse the power of anxiety-inducing anecdotes.)

On the other hand, I am taking a couple of scenarios seriously. It does occur to me that tragedy strikes in this world and I would be most affected by something happening to my littles. (Have you ever listened to Alison Krauss' "Jacob's Dream?" Don't, if you aren't prepared to weep for a few days. But it will cause you to hold the people you love tighter.)

The scenario on my mind currently is the danger of a child being trapped in a car in the heat of our summer days. I've been reading the blog of a sweet Australian woman who lost a 3 year old daughter in this kind of tragic accident. Bean is 3, it's hot...I'm hyperconscious right now. We lost track of her for a bit at lunchtime and my heart pounded as I checked each of the cars. She had snuck off to the basement...all's well.

So today, Bug and I were waiting to pick up Sweet Daddy from the airport. I took the opportunity to talk him through the steps of getting out of a locked car and candidly ask him if he thought he could help Bean get out if she was inside and he was on the outside. I am reassured...he can get himself out. Now I need to talk to her about it.

The other crisis plan I need to tackle is how my babes can communicate their location by phone to emergency personnel. We practice "911 - send" often...but which address do we memorize? We've had 6 in the last 6 months. Can we rely on our phone's GPS location finder? I'll have to figure that one out another time.

Other thoughts: Where is the balance between crisis awareness and prevention and hysteria? And could I survive the loss of a child?

(Update: Friday, the 3 of us were waiting for Sweet Daddy (buying a generator for Creation AC!) and we ran some drills. They each had to try to get out of the locked car, using the manual lock, not the electric...just in case the power isn't working in an emergency. All went well, except our car alarm was tripped a couple of times which startled all of us. But really, that's just what I would want to happen if my babes need help, right? Kevin heard it from inside the store and just thought I was becoming impatient. Tee hee. But he didn't come running...hmmm. We also talked about what to do if a big person they don't know is trying to take them somewhere=>yell and kick and run away. Bug reviewed his newly acquired karate ski-zills...ha-ya! And then we reviewed "9-1-1-send" if they need the police or the hospital. Is this all too much? What do y'all think? Am I freaking out a bit much?)

Two Powers

We have found a fantastic church here in Wichita.  Bug and Bean had so much to say on the way home about the puppet show, the inflatables and yes, even the lesson they learned in the Kids' Area. Last Sunday's sermon at New Spring church was great.

The senior pastor gave the sermon and two times he said, (paraphrasing) "The first time Christ came, He died on the cross. The next time He comes, He's taking over." 

The statement reminds me of an article I read in Christianity Today (April 2009) called "Serving a Two-Handed God."  (Click and read it, I urge you.) The author illustrates the two powers of God...the demonstrative power to create, heal, smite, etc. (the Right-hand of God) and the submissive power of "turning another cheek," refusing the temptation to save Himself in the desert or on the Cross (which is referred to as the Left-hand of God.) The article goes as far as describing "the power of Good Friday" and "the power of Easter Sunday." 

Here are some questions for me (and you if you wanna think about them after you read the article!!!): What is power: a strike in an attempt at order or the withholding of might? How am I seeing the power of God? For what kind of power do I ask when I pray? What kinds of examples of God's power can I recognize in my life?

The meditation of the two powers has helped me grab a foothold on the age-old question of "Why does Almighty God allow such evil?" Don't ask me to articulate an answer just yet, thank you. And don't ask my husband either unless you are ready for an expository analysis of the symbolism of Star Wars or the Matrix...uh, yea. (Actually, the English major in me totally gets into those discussions.)

In other news: Our time in Wichita grows short. The babes and I will be leaving Tuesday to head home. (Better let the Valley know they should prepare for an invasion, or maybe I just did....) Don't know when we will join Sweet Daddy again, but we will probably not be back in KS for now. Bummer, 'cuz I really like it here, like really more than Hoo-ston, even. As always, I reserve the right to change life plans for myself and those in my charge...wielding the little control I have...HA! But I do have to catch you up on a little fun we had this week...later.

Signing off, 

the Queen of the Ellipse

Sound waves

I love listening to the radio...probably because growing up in our house, there was always a radio on, sometimes in addition to a TV (that's my dad  ;)  . 

Weekdays are for talk radio and weekends are for NPR: Car Talk, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, and This American Life. I know ~ I've always been a little eclectic in my tastes...Deadhead who has always leaned to the right and has loved Jesus for more than half her life (and tried to follow Him the last 10 years)...so for me, this is consistent.

This weekend my Sunday/Monday drive to Kansas enabled me to listen to several solid hours of each. I've always recognized the contrast in world views, but back to back and so many hours of it...it was stark.

I love and appreciate the humanity and the stories featured on This American Life. The humor and compassion used to illustrate the forgotten and sometimes tragic always compels me. But days later, I haven't gotten over the repeated theme of secular humanism I hear in those stories...mainly, the idea that there is an evolution of morality...that with the years and generations, man becomes better.  And eventually we'll get it right.

It's just false...I know that left to my own devices, I am not good. Nothing good lives in me...in my head, in my actions. You know, that whole  Romans 7  conundrum. If I was not compelled into the Light each moment, I would be one doughnut-eatin', slack-jawed, TV-watching, angry, judgmental, jealous, no-good momma with kids who were bent the same way. Some of you have experienced glimpses of this momma. I'm even leaving the really bad stuff off the list. That is my default mode ~ appealing, n'est-ce pas? Wanna share a cup of tea with her?

The only thing that brings me to good is the Holy Spirit knocking on my heart saying, "You tried this once and it didn't turn out so good" or "How many people will you hurt if you do this?" (There are many more examples of Holy Spirit whispers, I'm sure.) Some call that a conscience ~ I believe it is further confirmation for the existence of Our Creator. My dad once asked me if I had ever done something that no one would ever know about, but still felt rotten and couldn't easily get it out of my mind? "That's God," he said. 

And even that is too easy to ignore. Even so, those propensities creep in and need to be fenced in. Some days the darkness is easier to beat back than others, and some days the lights are out. Hence my need for Godly fellowship (love you, Jesus freaks,) reading the Word (ahem...consistently, not my forte,) and attending Celebrate Recovery (hooray!!! that's a story for another day.) 

I'm not a historian or an anthropologist, but I don't believe that the collective soul of humanity has made any improvements. Are we still allowing the killing of babies? Are children still sold into the hands of lascivious deviants? Am I not at any moment a few decisions away from being in the pits of addiction or despair? Yes.

We are not becoming better ~ I need a Voice to remind me there is more and better offered to me and a Hand to haul me out of my pits. We all do.

Op. Ed. from AV

Today's post is not fluffy nor particularly funny, because I'm mad and a little worried.  And hang on, 'cause I'm not too eloquent and a little all over the place here. I'll split into parts; maybe it will be easier to chew on in bits.

Okay, ummm....I never intended to make this blog a political commentary and this may be the only time, but here is my stepstool soapbox. My elementary understanding of the workings of this country should prevent me from writing. But I'm trying to soak up, sort out, and assimilate information. On my current "stack" of "to be read" is the Constitution. This is an invitation to reasonable, respectful discussion - but please no heated debate or cyber yelling - I'm not cut out for that.  

For those of you who have known me since forever may think that my political ideology is inherited. But I am confident that I have considered alternatives and have tested and proved that conservatism resonates with me. I am a pro-life, crunchy conservative who is becoming more confident and tiptoeing out of the closet. I am a single-issue voter; I am not a right-wing extremist.

I have spent delirious driving days listening 8+ hours of talk radio. I am a frequent listener otherwise, but that was a bit much and I don't recommend it. My rants may have been conceived then. In an attempt at wisdom, I kept my mouth shut. But they are coming to full term and I must share some thoughts. My head hurts from the glaring inconsistencies in today's ideologies. 

And of course, then my momma invited me to a Tea Party which fired me up even more.

Spending our way out of debt?

There is culture of entitlement that has developed in recent generations, mine included. It must be some inherent, insidious, sin-nature thing, because my hard-working parents certainly didn't operate under nor perpetuate this worldview. We had enough, but not too much, and I directly or indirectly understood that family, faith, and hard work were the treasures in this world. But as I became able to make more of my own decisions, I've had to work hard to recognize and fight against a sense of entitlement. Consumer debt - yea, I know what that is and have waged my own war against it.  I've ratcheted up and chipped away at many a balance. Maybe some of you can relate.

I remember when Sweet Man and I applied for our first home loan while I was still teaching and running the learning center. The bank approved us for a loan much higher than we expected. Very tempting - but we tried to be wise. We were thinking ahead to a time when I would not be earning an income. We bought our house knowing we could make payments on his income alone and did not max out the value of the loan. I'm sure others were just as enticed by inflated numbers, believing the banks and feeling their families deserved more. I have felt entitled to a certain way of life and want to provide that for my kids. I have tried to live happily on borrowed money and it doesn't work for me. And I still have to fight the urge to overspend.

Now we face this economic crisis/challenge in our country. We see banks and other foundational industries failing because of the same overextension. The house of cards has begun to collapse.

But bailouts? Borrowing money from a not so friendly country to save companies that made poor decisions? Warning: broad generalization coming...some of the same individuals who support the bailouts are evolutionists and believe in Darwin's survival of the fittest model. Doesn't that apply to business and industry? If a company's goods and services are not satisfactory or needed, shouldn't that wasted effort be allowed to "die off?" Or if that company's leaders have not made sound decisions, should those individuals' careers end at the very least? Why are we propping up the weak with borrowed resources? Where are the consequences? 

And the stimulus money slated to "rescue" homeowners puzzles me. I understand that there are legitimate times when people (and maybe even companies) need compassion, help, advice, whatever...I've needed it. Thank you for grace. I have made poor decisions where I was fortunate enough to have someone to bail me out. Those events evoked enough stinging humility that I pray I will not soon repeat those mistakes. Just like with children, we do not do them any favors by excusing or ignoring selfish behaviors...we need to feel the sting to remember the lesson. 

So I will continue to pay my mortgage...and not expect anyone else to.

Yea, I'm blowin' right past that proverb of the wise man saying little - I never have been accused of being wise. I'll keep working on it.