Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You.
Psalm 63:3

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Crazy is catching up with me

Caution: Bi-monthly vent session/agonizing navel-gazing ahead...proceed without judgment, please.

(Please understand, I am so thankful for all the help, patience, and counsel we have received from all of you. I do not want to be thankless. I want to be honest and real. This self-centered post is really to help me try to sort this all a diary entry. Rhetorical.)

When it comes to big life stuff, my decision-making skills are poor, to say the least. I grind away at possibilities, stay up late mulling, ask the grocery cashier what she thinks, and then beg my husband to just tell me what to do. I don't like making a bad decision. I don't like people thinking I am making a bad decision. And I am terribly uncomfortable being the stop for the buck, the end of the line, the one holding the proverbial bag and having to defend my decision. I want someone else to defend me. I want to feel that I am not on my own swinging in the breeze. When we come right down to it, I want someone to blame if "you know what" hits the fan. Can you say "co-dependent, passive-aggressive?" Can you say, "Grow up!"?

I do have to make decisions...all the time. Just like everyone. So now, if I have to make one, I scrunch my eyes and just jump. And spend a few days, looking over my shoulder, wondering, did I make a good decision this time? Please? Sometimes I even change my mind and drive everyone around me n.v.t.s. NUTS!

So I made a decision to travel home...worked out a way to efficiently use up the contents of our fridge (eat, eat, and keep eating!) got an oil change for the road, started packing, and communicated those plans. You know, got my head around the logisitics of it and locked it in.

Now that I am committed, why is it that last night in the dark...the thoughts creep in and start to distort my circumstances...while my husbands snores (really, have you heard him?) peacefully away and the darkness overwhelms? I sound so dramatic, but at the time, it really was. I was isolated and afraid, and my thoughts swirled. Anxiety led to more anxiety. "What are we going to do about...? and what about.....?" It built until I broke and asked God if I could just crawl into His lap. And I finally went to sleep. 

It has happened often enough throughout the years, that I can recognize it for what it is...intense irrationality. I can tell myself it won't last all night; just ride it out and life will look differently in the light of the new morning. Or, God-willing, the episode will even be forgotten.

But last night, it may have been a little different, like there was some truth in it. The anxiety lingers faintly. These are thoughts that have been circling but not landing in this brain. And all surround the circumstances of our new gypsy life.

1. How is this gypsy life affecting the kids? Does moving around every few weeks get to them? Is their sense of security threatened? And not having Daddy around all the does that affect them? Are there enough constants in their lives to anchor?

2. We have not been in one place long enough to get the babes involved in dance, art, music, soccer, karate, etc. (Well, we were home long enough, but didn't realize it soon enough...such is this life.) How do I raise well-rounded people when I am not particularly proficient in those areas and can't hand them over to someone who is? 

3. How do I mitigate the mental exhaustion of an almost constant stream of evaluation: where is the best place to be today? With Sweet Daddy on the road? stay in the hotel for the day? go to a park? Stay in the Valley? In Licking County? 

4. And what do we need to maximize our day? groceries, intellectual stimulation, rest, coffee, new socks, companionship, alone time, cash, exercise, fun, discipline, a potty...? And how and where do I find what we need in this place that I barely know?

5. We've left our old life behind...and our friends. We can try to make friends where we are at any given time, but we have friends, that we love and miss. I keep thinking that when we are home, we can plug back in, but it's not quite the same. And we do not live in Licking County anymore. I need to get that through my head. It's different.

6. (This one is so stupid.) The Neal Avenue POOL...ugh...our neighbors must be shaking their fists at the sky for leaving 10,000 gallons of mosquito goodness within 10 feet of their backyard. We have got to get home to do something about that stupid pool that we probably won't even use this summer. Grrrrr.....

and the big one....
7. My momma is sick...and it's real...and I can't do anything from here or there.  

Last night, in the dark, it seemed easier to just stay here and ignore the challenges of coming home.

I have learned through Celebrate Recovery that I have a delay on my feelings; it takes me a while to recognize how I feel about a given situation. I have a wise friend who asks me how I'm doing, how this life change is affecting me. I answer..."We're good. It's a fun life. It has its challenges. I love it." And I do love is fun and challenging. But why are these latent feelings waking me up? And do I need to take them seriously?

So, let's immediate family is safe, well-fed ;), dry, warm. Most bills are paid. And we are loved...I am thankful. Really. Wah!

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