Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You.
Psalm 63:3

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Friends, this is not going to be pretty. It has been a whinefest in my head and now it's here in in black & white. Some of you have endured my other fits, and you're still here? Wonders never cease.

Living this nomadic life for two+ years has at least afforded me a little warning, so I've anticipated the creeping, sucking funk. And I am very aware of my propensity to hibernate. But it usually hits about three weeks into a trip. The snow and cold has me feeling particularly trapped, so it's early. Call it cabin fever...I don't really know what to call it, but it smacks of the depression I felt after my mom died.

I feel disconnected. We're here, alone. My kids are sick of me...they need their buddies. I miss you at home, but don't feel really part of that world either, because we're gone often enough. And in a week, when we are back, I will be a single momma again, leaving Sweet Man here. Those are the choices, right now. {We chose this, I know...y'all have been mighty gracious, never saying that to my face.}

What I know is that the tension of this life has me frayed, yet again. Stretched beyond. I'm speaking of the tension that we all live with...Romans 7 stuff...I want to do what I should not and can't muster the strength to do the things I should. I can't hold ends together for my kids. I'm tired of fighting it...tired of meal planning, picking up, untangling hair and fights...finding engaging, healthy, creative ways to spend our time. 

I gotta get out of this place.

In fair weather, we do just that...spend hours at the playground, ride bikes on the trail, fly a kite, something. But I'm out of ideas...we've played Uno and Go Fish, been to the museum {& going back Thursday,} been thrifting and grocery shopping, made valentines. I'm thinking about hitting the gym with a day pass, but I don't know what the childcare sitch is at the gyms in town and don't have the energy to find out. Don't know if we I can endure the 0 degrees to go play in the snow. We've been swimming enough that everything {and everyone} has a slight bouquet of chlorine.

Today, I want to give in to every whim, theirs or mine. Yes, you can eat M & M's for breakfast...sure, let's watch another episode of Zach and Cody, even though we've seen this one 3 times, *sigh* we don't have to do school today...of course, you can tear the room apart, walk barefoot to the car, tackle your brother...shoot the balloons with your fake bow and arrow, in your underwear {you look like Cupid}...go for it. {Post edit: They didn't have m&m's for breakfast, we did indeed have school, etc. I'm just getting worn out from the negotiations.}

Every day there are parts of me that compel me to just check out, drive through Krispy Kreme {have I told you there's one so close that I could spit and hit it?} and sack out in front of the TV. {Haven't done it...yet.} 

That damn's so easy...and we have many tempting versions...cable, laptops, smart phones...and now, a DSi. {Thank you, Sweet Man. It's a problem...I may have mentioned...the number one argument between us. How much screen time is okay? What habits do we want our kids to cultivate? What is real...on a screen, in a book, in life?} Sometimes I wish we were a TV free house...and am very aware that we could be, especially when Sweet Man is away. Maybe. I want my kids to love books and learning...hiking and the outdoors...healthy, safe relationships...good nourishing food. Using the bodies and minds and hearts God gave them...not numbing them with the anesthesia of technology. 

But today, I want to give in and slip into that slumber. {Is this a struggle just for me?} 

Because I know my body tricks me and signals that it wants something that will not do me any good in the long run, I'm reigning in my sugar, carbs, and caffeine...getting plenty of sleep...I hope my adrenal system will thank me, soon. That could be a good part of this equation.

And a good dose of service would help, causing us to look beyond the walls of this hotel and beyond ourselves. Haven't figured that out yet...visits to nursing homes? volunteering at the church pantry?

And maybe a kid-free break...that would be good...maybe. Sweet Man will let me go get a cup of decaf, sans enfants...maybe.

Well, I've put on my favorite sweater and my pink chucks. I'm listening to my incredible kids play Simon Says and talk about puppies nervous pee-ing. Maybe we'll go visit the meerkats {indoors} at the zoo.  Then to the library. Maybe I'm starting to smile.

{Post edit: The zoo was fun...we went from warm building to warm building and sat and watched the the meerkats, a Sumatran tiger, the gibbons, and the lemurs...spending enough time that we did not make it to the library...but there are 9+ hours to fill tomorrow. AND...Sweet Man said, of course, go find a Starbucks or a bookstore. Get out for a while. Wonderful man. Wonderful kids.}

1 comment:

... said...

I'm sorry, I love this post. And I love "de-funk-ify." And I love you! Totally understand your stir craziness, and never do hold it against you that "you chose this." (Sounds like some other voice to me) Will be praying.