Disclaimer: This another anti-fluff post.
I may have mentioned before some challenges in my relationship with my Bug. I am crazy in love with this boy, but am realizing that there are some fundamental mistakes in my parenting, the results of which are becoming obvious. In a nutshell, he is exhibiting those tendencies of being lazy, afraid, apathetic, unchallenged, and unmotivated. Those tendencies against which his momma has always fought in herself. Why would I be intolerant, you ask? Good question.
Saturday night, we drove home from the lake and Sweet Man parked the car at our nearest big mart to grab a couple of things for dinner. Just fine, until Bug woke up from a little nap. I won't go into details about all of it. He did something he shouldn't have done. Suffice it to say...
...I lost it...my composure (been trying so hard to keep that in check,) my temper, my effort to refrain from humiliating my child, and my streak of never swearing at my child. And it happened in public. In the W-mart parking lot. I was actually standing outside the van, at the trunk, when I blew. my. top.
I said things to him and around him, that I never have before. I was mean. I wanted him to feel bad. Major damage.
And to contrast even more I was scheduled to sing with the Praise Team the next morning. That doesn't mean I should hide this incident, just that maybe I am not in a place to be leading others in worship. I was actually hoping that someone from church would see me in my unfaithful moment and call me out on it. Maybe someone did see me and we'll have a talk some time soon. Good, I deserve it.
I can attempt to explain the incident with having a semi-crazy summer and a month of just trying to survive. Or blame it on lack of sleep at the campground or the junk-food diet for the last few days. Too many days of wacky schedule, easy eating, gifts, TV time, and treats have led to expectations and negotiations and just plain bad behavior.
But that would not suffice.
I have a problem. I try to keep control and want each and every circumstance to turn out favorably for me...I take responsibility for the actions of my children and want them to reflect the best of me. And when that doesn't happen and I am inconvenienced or embarrassed...I lose it.
I was very wrong. I need forgiveness from him, my husband, and my Father.
I was surprised by the appearance of the woman I thought I had left behind. The angry, mean, intolerant, irrational momma...each time she shows herself I am humbled and full of regret and pray that I never see her again. She always surprises me. Remember that transformation to which I was referring a few posts back...yeah, well, I do believe I've taken a few steps backward on that path.
I'm left wondering...the old (wo)man that I was, full of sin, bought and redeemed by the blood of Christ...I thought she was eradicated, gone, out of me. But has she just been bound up to be unleashed? Is she still in me? And how do I get rid of her?
I long to be different. I am different than I was, but not as much as I thought.